When I was a teenager, I wanted that crazy love that makes your heart beat faster. When your brain stops working and in a room filled with people, you have eyes for that one person and only him. The cheesy kind with love letters and framed pictures. A love story that beats all odds.
I’m 22 now. I’m sitting in my room, staring out the window every other minute as I type this and I’m feeling rather confused. There are two kinds of people in my life today – The helplessly single & The hopelessly in love. I feel lost amongst them both. I feel lost in general. Maybe I know you now. But I can’t wait to meet you. To smile at you and know in my heart ‘This is it. I’m done looking.’ But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to meet you right away. My life is too still and directionless that I’m afraid I’ll lose you when it begins to move again.
But then there’s this little voice in my head. The one that wishes we never meet. Abnormal for a fairytale believer but..
People teach you things in life. They teach you how to cook, clean, pay bills, do taxes. People teach you simple, unimportant things in life. But when you ask someone to teach you how to make a marriage work, nothing makes sense. Because that’s what I want. A marriage. Not a big, fat wedding. But a happy and healthy marriage. Something I’ve never seen before.
I grew up around dysfunctional families and broken marriages. Even the happiest of couples get bored with each other and there is not a day in my life when I’m not terrified we’ll end up like them.
I still remember the time when marriage was simply a concept I could day dream about. Today, everything feels realistic. Two years from now, I won’t have a choice if I prayed for it and I hope that’s not how I end up meeting you. I wouldn’t like you, wouldn’t love you enough because you will become the walking reminder that my parents won the unspoken battle I’ve been fighting with them for years, thanks to you.
I will warn you now, I’m not going to be the picture perfect wife. If I’m promising you otherwise, I’m lying to try and impress you. I’m lazy. I like sleeping in, hate cooking, have zero patience for anyone and anything, get lost in my own thoughts, cry in my sleep and get restless after mid-day naps. I complain about the smallest of things and I truly believe that I am always, always right. Any rule I come up with doesn’t apply for me. I talk in circles, nonstop. I sing out loud in a flat voice and speak in an Italian accent to my dog. I crack lame jokes. But I’m also unbelievably sensitive. Hurting me is very easy because when I care, I really care like a kid in kindergarten because I had to grow up too fast and I enjoy being a child when I can.
I don’t know what I’ve told you and what I’m not supposed to tell you. I don’t know if you’ve told me everything about yourself and the truth is, I don’t want to know everything. I don’t want to know about your hot, psycho ex-girlfriend or your drunken mistakes or the girl who broke your heart in high school. But I don’t want to miss out on stories about university and your childhood. I’ll smile when you tell me you miss them and I’ll hold your hand as you frown because you’re not PeterPan.
If I haven’t told you this, I’m trying not to freak you out – I’ve imagined our lives for a long time. I’ve imagined the normality of it. When I see an old couple in love, I’ve imagined us turning into them one day. I don’t know what we’re going to do about kids. I try not to think of that. But I’m sure when we get there, you’ll be the better parent. Please don’t hate me for that.
When they grow up, let’s be those parents our kids are super embarrassed of. The ones that never fall out of love. Let’s always have a smile for each other. The thought of you will always make me blush. Even if I live to be 100.
When you’re talking to my dad, don’t make fake promises. Don’t tell him you’ll never make me cry, you will. Don’t tell him you’ll treat me like a princess, it’s literally impossible. Don’t tell him we’ll never fight, we really will. Like crazy people. So when he asks you to take care of me, promise him this – Promise him that when the going gets tough, you’ll stand by me. Promise him that when I cry, you’ll be there with a box of tissues laughing at my horrible crying-face. Promise him you’ll never say no for an ice-cream run in the middle of the night just because. Promise him that we won’t have a prenup because what kind of a person gets into a marriage with even a sliver of doubt that it might end someday? And promise me this – No matter what happens, good or bad, we’ll figure it out.. together.
Because if you’re reading this, I promise, I’m going to give this my best and try to keep you happy. If you’re reading this, I swear, I’ll always remember that there’s two people with hopes and dreams, not just me. If you’re reading this, I’ve spent hours trying to find this post for you because I want you to know. And if you’re reading this, I’m not going to run out on our wedding because..
When you’re reading this, I am hopelessly in love with you.