To The Man I’ll Marry

When I was a teenager, I wanted that crazy love that makes your heart beat faster. When your brain stops working and in a room filled with people, you have eyes for that one person and only him. The cheesy kind with love letters and framed pictures. A love story that beats all odds.

I’m 22 now. I’m sitting in my room, staring out the window every other minute as I type this and I’m feeling rather confused. There are two kinds of people in my life today – The helplessly single & The hopelessly in love. I feel lost amongst them both. I feel lost in general. Maybe I know you now. But I can’t wait to meet you. To smile at you and know in my heart ‘This is it. I’m done looking.’ But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to meet you right away. My life is too still and directionless that I’m afraid I’ll lose you when it begins to move again.

But then there’s this little voice in my head. The one that wishes we never meet. Abnormal for a fairytale believer but..

People teach you things in life. They teach you how to cook, clean, pay bills, do taxes. People teach you simple, unimportant things in life. But when you ask someone to teach you how to make a marriage work, nothing makes sense. Because that’s what I want. A marriage. Not a big, fat wedding. But a happy and healthy marriage. Something I’ve never seen before.

I grew up around dysfunctional families and broken marriages. Even the happiest of couples get bored with each other and there is not a day in my life when I’m not terrified we’ll end up like them.

I still remember the time when marriage was simply a concept I could day dream about. Today, everything feels realistic. Two years from now, I won’t have a choice if I prayed for it and I hope that’s not how I end up meeting you. I wouldn’t like you, wouldn’t love you enough because you will become the walking reminder that my parents won the unspoken battle I’ve been fighting with them for years, thanks to you.

I will warn you now, I’m not going to be the picture perfect wife. If I’m promising you otherwise, I’m lying to try and impress you. I’m lazy. I like sleeping in, hate cooking, have zero patience for anyone and anything, get lost in my own thoughts, cry in my sleep and get restless after mid-day naps. I complain about the smallest of things and I truly believe that I am always, always right. Any rule I come up with doesn’t apply for me. I talk in circles, nonstop. I sing out loud in a flat voice and speak in an Italian accent to my dog. I crack lame jokes. But I’m also unbelievably sensitive. Hurting me is very easy because when I care, I really care like a kid in kindergarten because I had to grow up too fast and I enjoy being a child when I can.

I don’t know what I’ve told you and what I’m not supposed to tell you. I don’t know if you’ve told me everything about yourself and the truth is, I don’t want to know everything. I don’t want to know about your hot, psycho ex-girlfriend or your drunken mistakes or the girl who broke your heart in high school. But I don’t want to miss out on stories about university and your childhood. I’ll smile when you tell me you miss them and I’ll hold your hand as you frown because you’re not PeterPan.

If I haven’t told you this, I’m trying not to freak you out – I’ve imagined our lives for a long time. I’ve imagined the normality of it. When I see an old couple in love, I’ve imagined us turning into them one day. I don’t know what we’re going to do about kids. I try not to think of that. But I’m sure when we get there, you’ll be the better parent. Please don’t hate me for that.

When they grow up, let’s be those parents our kids are super embarrassed of. The ones that never fall out of love. Let’s always have a smile for each other. The thought of you will always make me blush. Even if I live to be 100.

When you’re talking to my dad, don’t make fake promises. Don’t tell him you’ll never make me cry, you will. Don’t tell him you’ll treat me like a princess, it’s literally impossible. Don’t tell him we’ll never fight, we really will. Like crazy people. So when he asks you to take care of me, promise him this – Promise him that when the going gets tough, you’ll stand by me. Promise him that when I cry, you’ll be there with a box of tissues laughing at my horrible crying-face. Promise him you’ll never say no for an ice-cream run in the middle of the night just because. Promise him that we won’t have a prenup because what kind of a person gets into a marriage with even a sliver of doubt that it might end someday? And promise me this – No matter what happens, good or bad, we’ll figure it out.. together.

Because if you’re reading this, I promise, I’m going to give this my best and try to keep you happy. If you’re reading this, I swear, I’ll always remember that there’s two people with hopes and dreams, not just me. If you’re reading this, I’ve spent hours trying to find this post for you because I want you to know. And if you’re reading this, I’m not going to run out on our wedding because..

When you’re reading this, I am hopelessly in love with you.

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78 thoughts on “To The Man I’ll Marry

  1. pianobluz says:

    I’ve read your post and like the others, I think you are gifted and talented. You’re writing style is gripping and very readable. I just don’t know about the content. I don’t know, like your blog title suggests, if these are just your unfiltered thoughts wrote down, or if you really think that someday you will meet a person who will love (unconditionally) the really immature person that you describe yourself to be. We are all immature and selfish at times, not one of us is exempt; but seeing ourselves honestly, and then setting out to correct our correctable flaws, will make us the kind of person others will want to be with. The problem with most people is that they want others to accept them exactly the way they are with no questions asked. They say, “This is the way I am, and you have to accept me this way because I can’t change my spots”. Well, I say that we all can change a little. Maybe I will always be kind of a jokester (because that’s my nature), but I can learn when to shut it down and act appropriately. I may not be a morning person, but it’s not ok to snap at my wife just because I’m tired. The world really doesn’t revolve around me. I don’t know if this is the kind of comment you were looking for, but this is what I thought of while reading your post. You really are gifted and your writing has a poetical, lyrical quality to it; and it makes one think. Just like a good movie, it elicits a response; and that’s a good thing!

    • LoudThoughtsVoicedOut says:

      Haha, I don’t think it’s ok to snap at anyone just because I don’t like being woken up early in the morning and luckily I haven’t done that so far in my life. This is definitely not a comment I was expecting, but I like it when people are so blatantly honest 🙂 So thank you for that.. Immaturity is a quality that everyone possesses but in different levels (if that’s the right word to use, ‘amounts’ I guess is the word) I come from a world of arranged marriages so it’s not just a long shot to want to marry someone that will love me like nothing in this world matters, it’s almost unrealistic. But for now, I can’t imagine marrying someone I don’t love like that, someone that doesn’t love me like that. Maybe when I get there, it will be different but for now, this is definitely what I want.
      To your point about finding someone that will love me as I am, isn’t that everyone’s dream? I’m hopelessly single. I, like most girls I know, have a check-list (he should be cute, anti-social, smart..blahblahblah) but that’s simply wishful thinking. On a more practical level, everyone has certain expectations from their partners and some of them are make-or-break sort of characteristics. Other than those, everything else has to be worked around and adjusted and changed here and there. I understand that and it is, unfortunately, how I will live when I reach that point in my life but for now, I’m going to continue dreaming that there’s a guy somewhere who’ll accept everything and change nothing. 😀
      Thank you for the compliment, the comment and reading 🙂

  2. imperfectionperfectionist says:

    Believe me, when we fall in love it seems that mostly we do it in stages. In the initial attraction and mutual appreciation you will find someone thinks its cute that you are flawed, once you’ve achieved a more companion like love with someone as it happens in marriage you grow to accept, and work to be more considerate of one another. He’ll have plenty of flaws to work on, too. Its in the open way you work on those together you will find your unconditional love.

    It isnt as sexy described this way, but in my experience it’s more realistic and honest.

    Great blog you have here. Im glad I found it.

  3. jinx0923 says:

    You express yourself really well. I enjoyed your “rant” (I mean that in a nice way) and can relate to it a lot. Love and emotions in general are so complex. For as much as people try, there are just not enough books to help us understand them all. Good Luck!!

    • LoudThoughtsVoicedOut says:

      Thank you 🙂 It sounds so cliche when I say this, but Love was supposed to be the easiest thing in life and as I grow older, it’s starting to feel like the most complicated emotion a human will ever know..
      Thank you so much 🙂

  4. chelseamnobles says:

    I relate to this in so many ways…seriously so many. i love how i feel like i know you from reading one of your posts. i can only imagine you write like you speak and i can envision you reading this aloud as you typed it. well done and you’re not alone.

  5. capsulecreations says:

    Your writing style is simple yet so potent; very poetical and uncluttered. This was incredible, relatable and gripping. I was so
    Lost in your story i almost didn’t want it to end.

    Great stuff 😄

    • LoudThoughtsVoicedOut says:

      Thank you 😀 Marriages really should be forever. I wish we could go back to times when something was broken, we’d find a way to fix it. Now the world just seems to upgrade to the newer version of it. Thanks again 🙂

  6. alanjryland says:

    What a heartfelt and passionate post this is. I hope you get what you want.

    I’m a gay male so not in your playing field, haha, but I admire that honesty in anyone. You are real.

  7. mrslgmason says:

    I’ve been married to my soul’s mate for eight years now, and we only recently began to have “THAT” kind. Of love. Oddly enough, it was only after him cheating on me that it happened. Guess our souls had never been fully naked together…
    Now, we’re there and here and deeply together.

  8. klashure62 says:

    This is beautiful! you are fantastic! I think maybe i’m going to write something similar to this, though I have one kind of like this, it’s no where near as beautiful!

  9. Tom says:

    I love the hopeless romantic, since I do so well burying mine deep down,realism prevails…mostly. Yet again, I agree with most everything you said. I’m really glad I found your blog, I added it to the “following” thingymabobber.

    P.S great writing style

    • LoudThoughtsVoicedOut says:

      Thank you so so so very much. I’m feeling rather flattered. I have this idea or belief that if it weren’t for difficult circumstances or bad life experiences, maybe, just maybe, the world would be filled with hopeless romantics waiting to find love.
      Yet again, thank you 🙂

  10. Tom says:

    You are so very welcome.You should feel flattered! You are probably right about the difficult circumstances. However, good writing comes from bad experiences. I do believe that once you find that person, due to the difficulties you had finding said person, you will truly appreciate them for the gem that he is.

  11. Bianca's Blog says:

    Hey I just stumbled upon your blog recently and I have to say I love it! I really like how you write! Your writing inspires me! I really like this post and I hope you find that love that you have always wanted!

  12. ldrabyn says:

    Great post! The title really drew me in – kudos to that. Your content is also really gripping and engaging. I briefly scrolled through your blog and it looks like you have some great stuff. I’m always inspired by everyone who’s able to work through the writer’s block and just get his/her thoughts down on paper.

    Thanks for sharing, hopefully my new blog will look like this eventually. Keep writing!

  13. The Bold Bluebonnet says:

    What a sweet letter to a future spouse! That’s such a creative idea. I know my list of must-have’s from college don’t even slightly resemble my husband, but now that I’ve met him I’m glad they don’t. He’s so much better than what I thought I wanted. Just keep growing and engaging yourself in the things that interest you and develop you as a person and you’ll find someone that you deserve and that deserves you.

  14. orangelacestravel says:

    Love the idea. I once wrote a letter to my future child. Many of the things you articulated in your post are things that were going through my head when I was in my early 20’s; the idea that maybe you have already met “that person” (or if not, they are out there, getting ready to meet you) is pretty exciting. I’ve been with my partner for six years, & married for two. Believing that we were meant to meet at a certain time and place, when we were both ready (or as ready as we could have been) to be what we needed to be for one another, is very powerful.
    Love is born in fire; it’s planted like a seed.
    Love can’t give you everything, but it gives you what you need.
    And love comes when you’re ready, love comes when you’re afraid;
    It will be your greatest teacher, the best friend you have made. – Kate Wolf from “Give Yourself to Love” (a great song!)
    It will happen. When you are ready.

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