The Feeling That Controls

The irony is – the reason I’m writing this post is the reason I almost didn’t.

I always knew this about me. It has been a part of who I am for as long as I’ve known. I’ve come to accept it. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. It’s one of those things where I believed – it is what it is.

I never really understood how it affected my relationships and friendships. I never psychoanalyzed myself. Until a few years ago. I was on the phone with him and I said, “Well, you are still mine right?” for the millionth time that week and I could sense his irritation on the other side. My mind ran a million miles a second. Ohmygod, he’s annoyed. He hates me. He doesn’t want to be with me. He’s going to leave me right now. He asked me why I have this need to confirm it every other hour. Like I didn’t know already. Said he was sick of saying it over and over again. “No. I’m not going to dump you in the next ten seconds if that’s what you’re asking.”

That was the first time I noticed that I was doing it. We have those moments when we become self-conscious about something we normally do and it becomes this thing we notice about ourselves every time we end up thinking or acting that way. I suddenly realized how many times in a day I questioned whether he’d leave me. How many times in a day I wondered how much he hates me. How many times in a day I wondered if I was a pain he was putting up with simply because he asked me out and feels bad about changing his mind now.

It was the first time I realized that what I had come to accept as a simple part of my life had essentially ruled every relationship I had ever been in. Because that’s what happens when you feel this way. When you’re at your best and you still feel uncomfortable in your own skin. When you’re at your happiest and you feel a pang wondering when it’s going to come to a crashing end. When you’ve met that perfect person and can’t stop thinking if he’s going to run away any moment now. When I stand in front of the mirror and like what I see only to feel the need to cover it all up as soon as I walk out the door. What if they see? What if they hear? What if they read? What if they leave?

We wear different masks for different audiences so we can fit in. We tell them what they need to hear so they’ll keep us close. The way we shake our hands. The way we walk, talk. The way we live. Everything dictated by the one thing we can’t control. When nothing we do feels good enough. When a compliment feels difficult. When self-confidence is a charade.

I have forgotten who I am amidst the masks I wear to please people I’m afraid will leave if they ever knew what really goes on inside my head. Because I grew up with this feeling. This feeling that you have felt at some point as well. This feeling that has taken over my life. The feeling that influenced many of your decisions. It’s what keeps us hanging on to someone while also craving isolation. I need you to tell me I’m perfect but know that I will never believe you. I want you to stay but know that I’ll run before you do. Because someone told me, leave before you’re left and I’ll always believe you’ll leave. It’s not what I want to think. It’s what I’m made to think. Because this feeling has taken over every inch of my being and there is nothing left of me.

Insecurity.

I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to control it. But I know what created it. The moment it hit me that just because you love someone with everything you have doesn’t mean it has to be reciprocated. When I realize that the person who is supposed to love you can still walk away from you. That when it comes boiling down to the very last second, everyone is selfish about their emotions and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Insecurity. It’s why I didn’t want to write this post. Because I didn’t know if anyone would relate to this. Maybe this is going to be boring. Maybe they’re going to think I’m hopeless. Maybe I am hopeless. Because I can never win against it. But this is me trying.

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30 thoughts on “The Feeling That Controls

  1. beautifulmay says:

    Thank you so much for sharing! This is exactly how I feel every day of my life and one of the reasons why none of my relationships worked out so far. Because I am so insecure and scared to be left. I feel you si much and since I never really knew how to put it in words I’m so glad you did. It’s good to know that I’m not alone with this.

  2. cathyjing99 says:

    We’re surrounded by media that presents all kinds of successful people, be it in appearance, wealth, fame, etc etc. Instead of envying them and wanting to BE those people, I think we should be motivated by their success and aspire to be successful in our own little ways. I’m saying this because sometimes insecurity is created by jealousy of others, even though it shouldn’t.

    Anyway. I hope you and your boyfriend work things out. If you’re feeling insecure all the time, maybe you should talk to him about it? Communication is key.

    Try not to feel insecure. Be confident with yourself and your actions. 🙂

    • LoudThoughtsVoicedOut says:

      I used to always want to be one of those famous people that media portrays until I began working behind the scenes and saw how ugly their world and lives were. So that was never it. But I see what you mean.

      We broke up a few years ago but for very different reasons. 🙂

      Thank you so much 😀

  3. elvagreen123 says:

    All through jr. high school and high school, I was a “C” student-average. Because I never really participated. When the teacher would ask a question, I would know absolutely that I KNEW the answer, but I would not raise my hand, because, what if the answer was wrong? I would shrink into myself. I knew why I was like this, but could not be any different. Through the school of hard knocks and therapy, I learned that I exist for a reason, that I am an intelligent being and that people do not belong to me. You have written this post and opened yourself up, which means you are not hopeless, you have started a journey of awareness, it’s a good thing, I believe it will help you love yourself!

    • LoudThoughtsVoicedOut says:

      I was a below average student through school but it changed in University. I was a straight A student in university. Like I said, I feel so fine with myself until I have to make contact with the outside world. And relationships and me are a mess.

      Thank you so much 🙂

  4. mpaezt says:

    Each one of us has a weakness, nobody is perfect though we learn how to deal with them, it is difficult as almost all things in life, but it can be done. And I am sure you will do it!

  5. Demetrius says:

    Reblogged this on The Awkward Moment and commented:
    “We wear different masks for different audiences so we can fit in. We tell them what they need to hear so they’ll keep us close. The way we shake our hands. The way we walk, talk. The way we live. Everything dictated by the one thing we can’t control. When nothing we do feels good enough. When a compliment feels difficult. When self-confidence is a charade.” Well done!

  6. Girl behind the hijab says:

    Ohhh my! That ‘thing’ certainly lives within me too. I could literally hug you, haha!
    I’m so glad someone wrote about it so perfectly. I laughed so loud at the ”ohmygod, he’s annoyed” bit.
    I love it!
    From a girl whose mind races a million miles a second too 🙂

  7. likebabybearsoup says:

    I can completely relate. I have always felt inadequate, that I have never been, nor will I ever, be good enough. I am just learning that I don’t need anyone’s approval but the Lord’s. It’s a process. Keep walking with your head held high! You got this girl!

  8. ch4rl13sm1th says:

    My whole life was like this until I met my husband, who could read my fears and nurtured me. I didn’t know how bad I had it until I healed. I’m not cured, but I’m not insecure anymore, which is a bit ironic considering that I’m not the only woman in my relationship.

  9. brettfish says:

    Really great post – well crafted and really pulls the ready in and tugs at our emotions as we try to identify with yours and with the crisis you face…

    Thankx for sharing
    love brett fish

  10. Aalisha Gauchan says:

    I love how you express yourself in writing because these kind of topics are very difficult to write about and share it to the world. Its like I can relate to most of your posts. I hope I will be able to express myself in writing like you have because it will make me one closer to accepting myself.

    I really really really love your blog. So glad to have come across it. It inspiries me to write my own too 🙂

    Thank you for posting! It definitely didnt go to waste!

  11. Sandhya SP says:

    Hi Poornima…oh boy..where do I start? You’re an exceptionally good writer and i’m happy i came across ur blog..I’ve nodded to myself about 15 times while reading this and many of your other posts… I’ve been through the same things.. insecurity seems like something we all have to cope with everyday of our lives..and it only gets harder..and a big thank you for making me feel relieved because after reading this, I somehow feel more at peace with my insecurities. We’re all fighting our own wars.. and hats off for expressing yours so honestly. I know how much courage this requires. You seem to be the kind of person with whom I’d love to have deep conversations with for hours… you’re simply amazing and don’t ever stop blogging!!! ❤

  12. doro3thy says:

    I could totally relate to every lil bit of it!I am one insecure girl and don’t know how to get over or fix it!Glad to know am not the only one with the same prob cos lately everyone that i’ve been reaching out to told me to let go of my insecurities and just go with the flow and that’s not at all easy when your’e the one with the problem and reading this helped me alot.You’re such an amazing blogger and I loved every one of your posts.❤

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