Note – This isn’t going to be one of those generic posts about the world. This post is something personal and sort of an update. Also, I promise I will never be gone this long, ever again.
I haven’t blogged in three weeks.
I hate saying that. I can’t believe I’m saying that. But here’s the thing – something has drastically changed in my life. And I’m going to start with this – I did something today that I haven’t done in over two years. I put really loud music on and danced around my room (resulting in a sprained ankle, of course).
I’ve written one too many posts about my state of depression and a very honest one about feeling like a failure. I’ve always been one of those people that believed in my dreams. When it came crashing down, I wasn’t ready to accept it. I wasn’t ready to roll with what came my way. I wanted what I wanted.
On a very random evening, I heard about an opportunity. On any other day, I wouldn’t have paid any attention to it because it didn’t lead me to my dreams. But on that particular evening, I decided to make the call. What started as an “I’m not sure it’s what I want to do, but I’ll try anyway” turned into “So I can do what I love doing?” It wasn’t the big fancy dream but it was something. I’ll be very honest. My mom told me to say yes. Or rather, pushed me to say yes. So I did. I’m glad I did.
When I began, I wasn’t very happy. As a result, my writing sucked. Which lead to a very negative feeling. And that was followed by my previous post.
But something’s changed. I have gotten to a moment that I never thought I’d get to in my entire life. I don’t adjust. I don’t re-arrange my life to fit new dreams or make space for something different. I don’t do plan B’s. Or at least, I didn’t.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve jumped out of bed to get to work early. I’m never too keen to leave from there. And as I sat and giggled at my sprained leg today, I realized – All along, this is the life I wanted. The one where I wake up happy for the day ahead. The one where a negative comment doesn’t make me want to give up but instead motivates me to do better. The one with laughter, goals and a little bit of love. It may not be in the place, with the people I imagined it would be. But it’s exactly the same.
I’m sort of terrified. I wake up everyday afraid to be happy because I feel like life is going to take this away from me too. But that doesn’t stop me. My fears are no longer making my decisions for me.
I woke up today morning and I had this feeling. I felt like we were in a fairytale. Not just me or a friend. The entire world. To say it like Olivia Pope would, “I felt like we’re all gladiators.” LIke life could throw as many curve balls at us as it chooses to and we would still rise from it all. We will always make it through any difficult moment. Like you know you have one too many times before. We’re indestructible.
And I hope you remember that.