The Fear of Falling

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There are these moments in life. These moments when you see someone for the very first time and you feel your heart skip a beat. Not because you’ve fallen at first sight. But because in that instant you know, with time, falling for this person would no longer be a choice.

I met someone for the first time recently. He caught me off guard and if only I didn’t know better, I would have said the skip of a heartbeat was from feeling startled. But it wasn’t. It was the moment when I saw trouble.

Ten seconds later, I felt my heart hammer. Because I knew. This was a trap I was going to walk into, willingly.

There are three kinds of people when it comes to circumstances like these – the ones that never take the first step forward if they knew it was trouble, the ones that would walk in a little and then choose to back away because they know it’s unhealthy to their heart and of course, there are people like me. We know it’s trouble. We know how this ends. But we will still keep going with the hope that this will be different from the last time while always knowing deep inside that this path is taking us to a place we’ve known before. A place that’s going to emotionally cost us a little too much than it’s worth.

It’s been a few months now. We get along quite well. He’s one of my closest friends. And I feel that pit in my stomach because I know what’s happening.

We have so much in common and yet, we couldn’t be more different if we tried. We want the same things from life. Just not in the same way. We’d be right for each other but it won’t last. And somehow, I’m still here. Because I enjoy the time we spend. I value the little things that only I know. And beyond all, there is something about finding company that’s been where you have and understands the nooks and crooks of all the emotions you feel at very specific moments.

Which is precisely why, at this very moment in my life, I feel nothing but fear. I’m afraid of falling for this person and ruin a friendship that I hold dearly. That I’m going to make this awkward. That we’ll never get back to this place of comfort again. And I’ve thought of the million things I could do to stop this including the middle of the night ridiculousness that is “I could always move to Mars!”

But quite honestly, I don’t think that’s going to work. I’d miss my dog too much.

So I’m going to do what I do best. I’m going to sit back and hope this goes away. That this turns out to be different than the rest. That what I’m feeling is not the hint of a crush but rather a fondness for a friend.

And if it doesn’t..

Well, you’ll probably find a blog post about heartbreak within the next year.

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15 thoughts on “The Fear of Falling

  1. ChipperChelseaKay says:

    I saw your comment in the community pool and am so happy I visited! I love your writing style, it’s gentle but has some humor. And it’s a topic I think most people can relate to. We all feel this way one time or another, and the choices you can make, only you can decide. I’m sending you good vibes! Stay chipper!

  2. Rebecca Meyer says:

    I can relate to a lot of your thoughts here. Falling for someone isn’t always easy. When we’ve been hurt before, that can make it even more confusing. Sometimes we have to just see where things go. You never know what good may come of the situation.

  3. One human in the universe says:

    I love your writing style ! It’s serious but lighthearted enough. I’m so glad I found your blog in the community pool ! As for the topic, I can relate to it. What I find so annoying is our vulnerability because we have no control over our feelings 😦

  4. swajithkas says:

    Thanks for sharing your link in community pool from where I found your wonderful blog, your blog and posts are too good it is indeed enjoyable experience to visit your blog, I wish, I should have a good friend like you, if interested please feel free to visit my blog, read some of the posts and if you feel I am worth of your friendship without hesitation leave your comment, that will be the beginning of best blogging friendship, remember everything is optional.
    Wishing you all the best……………….

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