The Monsters Behind Masks

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If you’re reading this, it means I’ve used every last ounce of the courage I possess to press Publish..

Maybe it’s because I’m finally old enough to see it. Maybe it’s because, for the first time, I’m retracing my entire life. Recollecting the moments that forever changed who I am.

I saw a movie yesterday. The girl looked at the guy and said, “I was 7 when someone asked me if I wanted to be with my mom or my dad.” It shouldn’t have mattered to me. I shouldn’t have cried. But I couldn’t help myself. Because I was 8.

When I tell someone how insecure I’ve become as a person because of the way I was shoved in the middle of a struggle to save a marriage, they think I’m being too sensitive. I almost tell them they’re seeing it wrong. They’re looking at the 22-year-old analyzing that moment. But I wasn’t 22 when it happened ! I was a child ! But I never say it. I smile small and turn away so they can’t see I’m hiding tears.

There are moments in a relationship when I look at the guy and wonder what would happen if he could see inside my head. If he could see the way I see life. If he could read my thoughts. Would he run? Would he choose to never come back? Would he think I’m crazy?

There are moments when I wish someone could understand it. There are moments when I don’t understand why anyone should.

They say it’s amazing when you finally figure yourself out. When you learn what makes you, you. But what happens when the person you are is someone that’s holding on to all her darkest fears? With bruises turned permanent scars? With the need to be loved but never having the ability to believe it?

What happens when every little thing about you comes from a place you never want to go back to? When you realize your entire life changed because of the one moment you had no control over? When there is a constant battle between the guilt for allowing yourself to be drawn into a mess while arguing that you didn’t know what else to do?!

Do you stand up for the child you were or hate yourself for not knowing better?

As I think through all the relationships I’ve had, I’m beginning to decode patterns and it’s like a nightmare playing on repeat as I realize I’ve done the same thing over and over again, wrecking every chance I had at a happy ending. Every time I was so close to it, I let it stop me. I let myself be pulled back. The fear that I don’t understand. The fear that stopped me from ever moving forward, turning this tunnel into a never ending hole of doom.

I wonder what would happen if I could look at them and tell them how it feels like a lost childhood. How in the process of letting them have what they have right now, I drowned. How they’ve made me terrified of commitment. How I run when I feel too much while still craving it because I believe in leaving before I’m left. And how I’ll never stop believing that people leave.

And how, in that moment, when everything I wanted was right there, I couldn’t nod my head yes. I couldn’t walk into the light. I paused. I struggled. I lost.

But maybe that’s just the way life is, isn’t it? Each with a struggle of their own. Not many win. Most of us lose our battles. We give in to whatever it is that consumes us. We let it win. We learn to live with that loss. We learn to put on a mask and hide behind the person the world would like to see. The one that’ll blend in. The one that won’t draw questions.

Someone asked me recently if there was a reason behind the playfulness he sees in me. He felt like the light reaching out. An opportunity to walk out of the dark. All I had to do was trust him with the truth. And I wanted to tell him. This is my mask. This is the way I relive my childhood while still running away from it. This is the person I became when I sat on a couch at my aunt’s house, grinning broadly while crying inside. This is me blending in.

So I smiled at him and said, “No. I’m just a little immature. Nothing else.”

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9 thoughts on “The Monsters Behind Masks

  1. itsmayurremember says:

    This must have took a mountain of courage. Hats off to you for publishing the post.
    And as far as masks are concerned, they protect you at the same time the choke you. And its tragic because its the people who are behind the mask who are more beautiful.

  2. Saurab says:

    I think you are already on the way to removing that mask. And to be honest, it’s not that bad, not blending in. Sure, you can sometimes be treated differently…it’s hard to put it in words, but yeah, it’s not bad.
    I hope you felt better after you hit Publish.

  3. charlotteb94 says:

    There are moments in a relationship when I look at the guy and wonder what would happen if he could see inside my head. If he could…
    I love this line, shows so much ability and willingness to confront your fear and the uncertainties in life. I love it.

  4. greenlady2005 says:

    I’m so glad I found your blog. The others that have commented are right, you have taken a huge step towards so many things – healing, figuring out who you are, and life in general. It’s a long, hard road, but you are already well on your way. I have learned through the years that for me, anyways, writing, and then finally sharing that writing, helps to figure out SO much. Good luck on your journey, and I for one am here, “virtually” anyways 🙂

  5. One human in the universe says:

    You’re not the only one with the mask, and since you’re realizing that you have one, you’re starting to figure out how to deal with it. It’s hard to trust someone, but I know that you’ll be able to take that risk seeing how much progress you’ve made. You go girl !

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