From The One Who Lost Control

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I sat there. On the corner of my bed. Clutching my computer. Trying to find something, anything to distract myself from what I knew was happening to me. I went from E! to YouTube, Superwoman to Brad Pitt’s FBI case – if only I could find one thing that takes my mind away from this spiral I knew was around the corner.

But it was too late.

It was too late when I was on that bus, trying to text my boyfriend – my source of happiness. It was too late when I pretended to mull over what bread I want at FairPrice. It was too late when I made dinner like I was completely okay. It was just too late.

And so it happened. One tear drop at a time. A slow shiver that took over my hands and legs. I suddenly couldn’t breathe anymore. My desperation to hold onto anything that was sanity, slowly slipping away from my fingers. The lump in my throat, now a sob. I held onto my hair, willing myself to stop. Begging my emotions to take control of themselves. The pain spread from the back of my head to my chest. I knew I was too far gone to control anymore.

An hour later, I was starving. But I wouldn’t get up. If I get up, everything will fall apart. If I move from here, something will go wrong. I won’t. I can’t. I can’t. I CAN’T!

A fear that wrapped its arms so tightly around me, I felt bound to my bed, unable to move. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop sobbing. It wouldn’t stop hurting.

The kind soul that chose me had to calm down an absolute mess of an adult who didn’t know how to stop being afraid of absolutely nothing.

So we talked about my day. “I made coffee. I showered. I went to study group.” One sentence after the other, I stuttered myself better just long enough to go get food.

But then at the kitchen, his call dropped. And so did I. To my knees with fear and tears until it was connected again because, “I’m terrified.”

A part of me so ashamed that this is what my life had come to. That I had to showcase my biggest vulnerability over a video call. That I needed someone else to help me. It didn’t help the tears. It didn’t help my racing heart.

Leave me. Find someone who isn’t on the kitchen floor when you don’t speak for ten seconds. Go away. But don’t. Because I don’t want you, I need you. I need help. Help me. But go be happy. I’m a mess. Go. Just.. don’t go. 

This doesn’t paint a very pretty picture, does it?

But this is what an anxiety attack is.

24 hours later, I’m still feeling shaky. I’m still struggling to not lose control to it. But it will happen. And I will yet again feel like my world is crushing me as it falls apart when everything is as it was fifteen minutes ago.

I’m lucky, though. I have someone to help me.

Not everyone does. So listen carefully. If your friend / family mentions anxiety, listen carefully. It’s not Want you hear.

It’s a desperate Need.

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “From The One Who Lost Control

  1. TheOriginalPhoenix says:

    Oh my God sweetie, are you OK now? I agree with mita, you should see a doc if possible for this. Anxiety is definitely a desperate need like you said. Wishing you well!

  2. Wordsgood says:

    First, I want to echo the other commenters. If you haven’t sought treatment, please do as soon as possible. Anxiety on that level is a very real and debilitating medical condition and there is no shame in being sick. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

    That said, that was a very moving post. Thank you for sharing.

  3. http5401 says:

    I know someone that often go through anxiety attacks under certain situations. They have mentioned going to therapy. I always say that it’s good to have someone you trust to talk to. The biggest thing is never let things build up, get it out. Hope things get better.

  4. Idle Muser says:

    Though I wish nobody has to ever undergo such situations but that definitely is not possible. One or the other person, whom I may not know, might be undergoing through such situation and I can only hope that he/she has somebody around who can help him/her when he/she need it the most.

  5. Izzley says:

    I am young and have suffered with axiety for many years now from when I was only a little kid of nine. Anxiety is usually just put aside as people think that it is easy to cope with and not at all difficult and treat it as though people don’t really suffer with it. It’s kind of the same as OCD because people say that they have it if they like tidy things even though it is more than that. It’s sort of the same with anxiety. You feel so alone. When I have a panic attack, it’s a bit different. I feel as though the whole world is closing in on me and as if something is clawing its way out of me. My blog paints a pretty picture but really I haven’t explained much on there but hopefully you find some joy in it…
    Izzley.wordpress.com

  6. passthepick says:

    What an absolutely beautiful piece of art.. I, too, have these episodes. It is only recently that I have been fighting to manage them. Fighting your own mind. Sounds foolish, doesn’t it? It is part of life for those of us who need. Not want. Keep your eyes on the world, and not inside your mind. Everything will be OK.

  7. expressit2017 says:

    Your writing and emotions are so real. It feels exactly how I have at so many times throughout my life, starting as a child and not even realizing what anxiety was! I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you can find some strategies to help ease your anxiety before they become full blown attacks. I know sometimes there’s no wait to stop it because it hits full force at once. But, I have found little ways to help cope with it when I feel the beginning stages of it coming on. I followed your page and hope to see more blogs from you soon.

    I’m new to this and just did my first introduction blog yesterday. I’ve been wanting to blog for over two years now and just finally got up the courage to do so. I love expressing my feelings through writing, I’ve always been much better at writing someone a letter than speaking to them in person.

    I’ve had some challenging and difficult times throughout my life from dealing with a rare connective tissue disorder called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and several other health issues, some include mental health (depression/anxiety), and even grieving over a loss of a close loved one. Now, my plan is to turn my negative experiences into positive experiences by helping others out with similar situations. I want to also blog about so much more! That’s just a few that I’m very passionate about.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    To check out my introduction blog, here is the address: Expressit2017.webpress.com
    -Ashley

  8. Nícia says:

    oh my, i didn’t know how an anxiety attack was until now. when you were describing it, i saw myself many times on the last couple of years. but you know what? don’t be afraid to cry, it helps with healing. we need to deal with our emotions in order to make them go away. and no one can go through everything alone, that’s why we have friends, family, significant others. all the best. ❤

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